one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Boobs speak an international language.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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