its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
