he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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