went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
