I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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