just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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