Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
