Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
