I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
