I met the friendliest cop last night
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
