I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
