Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
