Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
