there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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