I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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