Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
