Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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