When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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