Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
