Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
