So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
