i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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