You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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