She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
