I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
