I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
