it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
