And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
