I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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