found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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