At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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