i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Randomize
