Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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