What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
