I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
