i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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