Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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