PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
