don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
