I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
