I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
