Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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