false alarm. still invincible.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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