he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
