Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
