Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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