I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
