So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
