my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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