It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
