My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
