I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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