I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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