Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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