she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
