remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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