I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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