Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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