MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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