i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
This house was built for laser tag.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Even my vagina gasped.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
