you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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