Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
