I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
