Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
