if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
