omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
