i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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