you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
