you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
