I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
