If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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